Semarang State University
(SSU) is a state University located in the capital city of Central Java
province. According to Okezone.com, SSU has been awarded as the 4th the most favorite campus in
Indonesia this year. There are eight faculties in SSU, it consist of education faculty, languages and art
faculty, social science faculty, economic faculty, etc. SSU is declared as University of Conservation since 2000.
One of the rules that support the conservation program is no motorbike and cars in the campus area. The
purpose in this program is to decrease the air pollution. SSU has more that 40.000
students which come from various cities. SSU is famous as the green campus,
since there are many big trees around the campus. To support the conservation program, students are
expected to minimize the paper using. SSU also has beautiful large park which
can be use as the sport area. In the evening there are many people doing
exercise. There are also many people who enjoy the scenery.
It is very interesting for me to read your paragraph. You describe our beloved university very well. You complete the paragraph with the supporting sentences that make the description of it very clear. Thus, I can understand it easily. Nonetheless, I think there are some points you need to work on.
ReplyDelete• The double use of definite article “the” (the 4th the most favorite) in the second sentence should be decrease. Thus, the sentence can be replaced with “According to Okezone.com. SSU has been awarded as the 4th most favorite campus in Indonesia this year.”
• There are comma splices and the use of verb that is not proper. In the third sentence “There are eight faculties in SSU, it consist of education faculty…” You can replace it by adding a period like “There are eight faculties in SSU. It consists of Education Faculty…” I think it will be better if you mention all of the faculties too. The comma in sentence “SSU is famous as the green campus, since there are…” should be omitted, so it is replaced with “SSU is famous as the green campus since there are…”
• The writing of phrases “languages and art faculty, social science faculty, economic faculty…” in third sentence should be replaced with “Languages and Arts Faculty, Social Science Faculty, Economics Faculty…”
• The use of preposition “in”, in the phrase “the purpose in this program” should be replaced with “of”, so it becomes “the purpose of this program”.
• In the sentence “SSU has more that 40.000…” The word “that” should be replaced with “than”.
• The word “support” in the sentence “One of the rules that support…” should be replaced with “supports”.
• In the sentence “SSU also has beautiful large park which can be use…” it may be a passive sentence. Thus, “can be use” should be replaced with “can be used”.
• The use of pronoun “SSU” can actually be replaced with the pronoun “it”. This is to avoid redundancy. For example: the sentence “SSU is famous as the green campus since there are many big trees around the campus.” should be replaced with “It is famous as the green campus since there are many big trees around the campus.”
• I think it will be better if you complete your paragraph with concluding sentence. It will make the ending of the description about our beloved campus is perfectly clear.
Overall, I think you could improve your writing by considering those inputs. Well done!